On writing and other things I tell myself I like

Calling myself a writer makes it true right? I'm a comedian because I say so. Sometimes I stand on stage, that makes me a performer. I own an electric piano, I'm a fucking musician.

I don't actually do those things. I tell myself I enjoy them, that they are important to my self identity. But I don't live in the real world. I live in my head.

In the real world I can work hard. I do work hard. I have had it reinforced many times that (despite even my sometimes incessant need to be late) I'm good at my job and a pleasure to work with. I could clock on everyday, do what needs to be done, work a long day, go home and switch off and repeat everyday for a long time. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that. Except for everything.

I'm not saying that I've never worked hard for something, that I've never actively pursued things. But it's not my standard operating procedure. I turn up, and try to do the absolute best that I can while I'm there. But that turning up is necessary. I don't work on my own. I don't further or better myself. I'm not who I want to be. I can sit and think about the things I want to do. I'm very good at imagining myself living. I rarely do it.

Performer. Writer. Comedian. Artist.

Why are these things important to me? Or why do I think they are?

Why does anyone do the things they do? I'm not just a consumer, I'm a devourer. I obsess over television to the point of not even enjoying the act of watching it anymore. I thrive on dissection. On long conversations about minutia, the what if's and the what does it mean for us? And then I try to work out how it could've been done better. But this is all a passive act, not an active one.

I don't like to admit this often, but I have a huge ego. But it's the procrastinators ego. I never do anything, because if I don't try I can't be proven wrong. In my head I can be perfect. In the real world I'm lazy. I'm passionless. I'm wasting.

When you meet someone for the first time you ask what they do, not what they think they are.

What do I do?

I don't.

I don't deserve my ego. But I can't live at the other end of the spectrum either. When I'm there, it's worse than being lazy. I can't give up on myself. I'm worth it. I have done things I'm genuinely proud of. Things that I look back on that I struggle to give myself credit for because it can't be because of me; I'm a lazy, useless individual. But I did do them.

Why are the labels important for me?

Because it's who I want to be. It's the next step. It's not stopping before I even get started.

And how do I achieve them. How can I answer the "what do you do" question the way I want to? By knowing and accepting myself.

In 2008 I co-directed and was in charge of the writing of the 2008 science revue. Something I had no experience in. That's one of those things I remember a different me doing, because something worked. It worked very well and some very good stuff came from it. And what can I learn from the more successful and happy me. Churn out content, and have deadlines. Most of it won't be good and will later have to be thrown away. But you can't edit a blank page.

All this is building up a really long way of saying that this, my own personal spot on the internet will no longer be a blank page. I plan on posting something everyday. It won't always be big, it won't always be good, but it will be something. Because the only way I can learn to be who I want to be is to be who I want to be, and not someone just thinking about it. And I know that everyday is an impossible schedule, and I will miss days. But I'm not giving myself the out of "a few days a week". I know myself. I'm all or nothing and I'm sick of being nothing.